A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".
************************************************************************
Performance Evaluations
NOTE: These are actual quotes taken from employee evaluation reports.
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
***************************************************************************
Route 119
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back
- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
*************************************************************************
Today's Birthdays
1946 - Freddie Mercury
1942 - Werner Herzog
1940 - Raquel Welch
1929 - Bob Newhart
1921 - Jack Valenti
Birthdays on September 5th
1946 - Freddie Mercury
1942 - Werner Herzog
1940 - Raquel Welch
1929 - Bob Newhart
1921 - Jack Valenti
Birthdays on September 5th
***************************************************************************
Todays Pic Dump
Win Fails.....
Cartoon Time
Todays Oldie but goodie
Goerge Carlin and his thoughts
Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
George Carlin
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact me at papacase77@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment