Old Guys Rule: March 2013

Friday, March 29, 2013

Where To Retire...

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature".
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Michigan where...
1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You could live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

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Morning Pic Dump

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Birthdays on March 29th

1943 - John Major
1918 - Pearl Bailey
1964 - Elle Macpherson
1961 - Amy Sedaris
1976 - Jennifer Capriati

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Todays Pic Dump

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Blast from the Past

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Afternoon Funnies

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This day in History

Lead Story: U.S. withdraws from Vietnam, 1973
American Revolution: Putnam named commander of New York troops, 1776
Automotive: White House ousts GM chief, 2009
Civil War: Appomattox campaign begins, 1865
Cold War: Rosenbergs convicted of espionage, 1951
Crime: The Mad Bomber strikes in New York, 1951
Disaster: Earthquake and volcano do double damage in Mexico, 1982
General Interest: British victory at Kambula, 1879; Mariner 10 visits Mercury, 1974
Hollywood: Miramax chiefs part ways with Disney, 2005
Literary: Writer Mary Wollstonecraft marries William Godwin, 1797
Music: Tom Jones is knighted by Queen Elizabeth II, 2006
Old West: Congress authorizes survey of Cumberland Road, 1806
Presidential: John Tyler is born, 1790; Herbert Hoover has telephone installed in Oval Office, 1929
Sports: Tar Heels win NCAA basketball championship, 1982
Vietnam War: Calley found guilty of My Lai murders, 1971; Last U.S. troops depart South Vietnam, 1973
World War I: Swedish prime minister resigns over WWI policy, 1917
World War II: Patton takes Frankfurt, 1945

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All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact me at papacase77@gmail.com

Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Wisconsin Farmer and "Bessie"

A Wisconsin farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot vud you say?'

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Morning Pic Dump

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Birthdays on March 28th

1986 - Lady Gaga
1515 - Saint Teresa of Avila
1955 - Reba McEntire
1956 - Steve Ballmer
1928 - Zbigniew Brzezinski

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Todays Pic Dump

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Blast from the Past

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Afternoon Funnies

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This day in History

Lead Story: Nuclear accident at Three Mile Island, 1979
American Revolution: British Parliament adopts the Coercive Acts, 1774
Automotive: Land cleared for Ford's Willow Run plant, 1941
Civil War: Yankess turn back Rebels at the Battle of Glorieta Pass, 1862
Cold War: Acheson-Lilienthal Report released, 1946
Crime: Funeral held for the man behind the guillotine, 1814; Duke lacrosse team suspended following sexual assault allegations, 2006
Disaster: Reactor overheats at Three Mile Island, 1979
General Interest: Spanish Civil War ends, 1939; Eisenhower dies, 1969
Hollywood: Fairbanks and Pickford marry, 1920
Literary: Mario Vargas Llosa, Peruvian novelist, is born, 1936
Music: W.C. Handy—the "Father of the Blues"—dies, 1958
Old West: De Anza founds San Francisco, 1776
Presidential: Congress censures Jackson, 1834
Sports: Baltimore Colts move to Indianapolis, 1984
Vietnam War: Diem's popular support questioned, 1961; American pacifists arrive in Haiphong, 1967
World War I: First American citizen killed during WWI, 1915
World War II: Cunningham leads fateful British strike at Italians, 1941; *****************************************************; All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact me at papacase77@gmail.com

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Great Truths of Age

GREAT TRUTHS...
THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS...
THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS...
ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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Morning Pic Dump