HOLY HUMOR

**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..' ======= There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. ======== "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." ======== While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." ======== A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." ======== People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." ======== The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Morning Pic Dump

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Birthdays on August 13th

1949 - Bobby Clarke
1931 - Bernard Manning
1926 - Fidel Castro
1912 - Ben Hogan
1899 - Alfred Hitchcock

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Todays Pic Dump

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Blast from the Past

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Afternoon Funnies

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Todays Quote

 Birthday Boy

Alfred Hitchcock

 

A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.
Alfred Hitchcock

A lot of movies are about life, mine are like a slice of cake.
Alfred Hitchcock

Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.
Alfred Hitchcock

Blondes make the best victims. They're like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.
Alfred Hitchcock

Dialogue should simply be a sound among other sounds, just something that comes out of the mouths of people whose eyes tell the story in visual terms.
Alfred Hitchcock

Disney has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor he just tears him up.
Alfred Hitchcock

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Alfred Hitchcock

For me, the cinema is not a slice of life, but a piece of cake.
Alfred Hitchcock

Give them pleasure - the same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.
Alfred Hitchcock

I am a typed director. If I made Cinderella, the audience would immediately be looking for a body in the coach.
Alfred Hitchcock

I am scared easily, here is a list of my adrenaline - production: 1: small children, 2: policemen, 3: high places, 4: that my next movie will not be as good as the last one.
Alfred Hitchcock

I am to provide the public with beneficial shocks.
Alfred Hitchcock

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Alfred Hitchcock

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
Alfred Hitchcock

I'm full of fears and I do my best to avoid difficulties and any kind of complications. I like everything around me to be clear as crystal and completely calm.
Alfred Hitchcock

I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them.
Alfred Hitchcock

If it's a good movie, the sound could go off and the audience would still have a perfectly clear idea of what was going on.
Alfred Hitchcock

In feature films the director is God; in documentary films God is the director.
Alfred Hitchcock

In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man.
Alfred Hitchcock

Luck is everything... My good luck in life was to be a really frightened person. I'm fortunate to be a coward, to have a low threshold of fear, because a hero couldn't make a good suspense film.
Alfred Hitchcock

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