Morning funnies
***************************************************
Tips From
the Redneck Book of Manners
|
|
1.
|
Never
take a beer to a job interview.
|
2.
|
Always
identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
|
3.
|
It's
considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
|
4.
|
If
you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
|
5.
|
Even
if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
|
Dining Out
|
|
1.
|
If
drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering
the label.
|
2.
|
Avoid
throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have
dogs.
|
ENTERTAINING
IN YOUR HOME
|
|
1.
|
A centerpiece for the table should never
be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
|
2.
|
Do
not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
|
PERSONAL
HYGIENE
|
|
1.
|
While
ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys
|
2.
|
Proper
use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you
live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
|
3.
|
Dirt
and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract
from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
|
DATING
(OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
|
|
1.
|
Always
offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
|
2.
|
Be
aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with
you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
|
3.
|
Establish
with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM;
others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.
|
4.
|
Always
have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure
don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
|
WEDDINGS
|
|
1.
|
Livestock,
usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
|
2.
|
Kissing
the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
|
3.
|
For
the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean
bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
|
4.
|
Though
uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
|
DRIVING
ETIQUETTE
|
|
1.
|
Dim
your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the
deer is in sight.
|
2.
|
When
approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has
the right of way.
|
3.
|
Never
tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
|
4.
|
When
sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
|
5.
|
Never
relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
|
6.
|
Do
not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
|
TWO REASONS
WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
|
|
1.
|
All
the DNA is the same.
|
2.
|
There
are no dental records.
|
Birthdays on February 14th
1817 - Frederick
Douglass
1882 - George
Jean Nathan
1962 - Kevyn
Aucoin
1894 - Jack Benny
1404 - Leon
Battista Alberti
*******************************************************
Todays Pic Dump
***************************************************
Blast from the Past
***************************************************
Afternoon Funnies
***************************************************
Today in History
- Lead Story
- St. Valentine beheaded, 278
- American Revolution
- Patriots defeat Loyalists at Kettle Creek, 1779
- Automotive
- Toyota patriarch born, 1867
- Civil War
- Union General Sherman enters Meridian, Mississippi, 1864
- Cold War
- Sandinistas agree to free elections, 1989
- Crime
- The St. Valentine's Day Massacre, 1929
- Disaster
- Tornadoes sweep through southern Georgia, 2000
- General Interest
- Captain Cook killed in Hawaii, 1779
- Valentine's Day Massacre takes place, 1929
- Penicillin discovered, 1929
- Hollywood
- Hedda Hopper’s first column appears in the L.A. Times, 1938
- Literary
- The Boz Ball celebrates Dickens, 1842
- Music
- The B-52's play their first gig, 1977
- Old West
- First trainload of oranges leaves Los Angeles, 1886
- Presidential
- Theodore Roosevelt's wife and mother die, 1884
- Sports
- Olympic speed skater Jansen falls after sister dies, 1988
- Vietnam War
- Kennedy authorizes U.S. advisors to fire in self-defense, 1962
- Gallup Poll released, 1970
- World War I
- Wilson presents draft covenant for League of Nations, 1919
- World War II
- Battle of the Kasserine Pass, 1943
****************************************************
