Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Funny New Year's Resolutions

I will be more imaginative.

I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.

I promise to clean my room once a week even though I haven't cleaned it more than once in the last year.

I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

I will always "check for paper" before and after leaving a public restroom.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case".

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

Never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.

Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.

Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.

Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.

Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!

Drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.

Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.

Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.

Play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.

Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking - it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.

I will drink less beer, last year I drank enough beer to have kept the Titanic afloat.

I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for christmas.

I will drive more carefully, people are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.

I will treat my girlfriend better, I won't make her carry all the groceries the next time we go to the market.

I promise to be nice to my dog. I won't starve him to death more than 10 times.... in a month.

I will no longer interfere in a game.

I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks. 


Morning Pic Dump


Birthdays on January 1st


Todays Pic Dump


Blast from the Past

Afternoon Funnies


This Day in History

Batista forced out by Castro-led revolution, 1959
American Revolution
Mutiny of the Pennsylvania Line, 1781
Edsel Ford succeeds father as president of Ford, 1919
Civil War
The Emancipation Proclamation takes effect, 1863
Cold War
Cuban dictator Batista falls from power, 1959
The real-life murder behind Looking For Mr. Goodbar, 1973
Air India jet crashes just after takeoff, 1978
General Interest
New Year's Day, 45 B.C.
Haitian independence proclaimed, 1803
Emancipation Proclamation goes into effect, 1863
First modern Mummers' Parade, 1876
Sneak preview of The Birth of a Nation, 1915
E.M. Forster is born, 1879
Inmate Merle Haggard hears Johnny Cash play San Quentin State Prison, 1958
Old West
A Nebraska farmer files the first homestead claim, 1863
Lincoln signs Emancipation Proclamation, 1863
Vietnam War
1st Marine Division advance elements arrive, 1966
Operation Sam Houston begins, 1967
World War I
British ship Formidable is torpedoed, 1915
World War II
United Nations created, 1942
Hidden Japanese surrender after Pacific War has ended, 1946

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