Christmas one liners

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Sandy Claws.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.
Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!
Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.
Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!
Contributed by: Skylablue Gorman

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song!
Originally Contributed by: unknown...We were reminded about Andy by Paul Grupe!

-Knock knock
*Who's there?
-Mary!
*Mary who?
-Merry Christmas
Contributed by: Evelien from Belgium

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Chris!
Chris who?
Christmas!!!!
Contributed by: John Barkovich

Q: What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May?
A: A puddle!

Q: Where do reindeer go to dance?
A: Christmas balls!

Q: If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire,what would they name their child?
A: Frostbite!!
Contributed by: Cassie Hauser

Q: What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A: A sad candy cane!
Contributed by: Laura Sylvester
Q: What did Mary Poppins want from Santa?
A: Supercalifragilisticexpialisnowshoes!
Contributed by: Jemima
Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A: A mince spy!
Contributed by: Tara Wade
  Q: What Christmas song is hidden in the alphabet:
        A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z?
A: Noel (No "L")
Contributed by: Abby and Alessandra

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
In Memory Of Jess Gonzalez

***************************************************************************

Morning pic dump

 

 *********************************************

Birthdays on December 6th

1955 - Steven Wright
1823 - Max Muller
1971 - Ryan White
1962 - Janine Turner
1875 - Evelyn Underhill

**********************************************

Todays Pic Dump

  

************************************************

Blast from the Past

******************************************

aFERNOON fUNNIES

 

************************************************

This day in history

Washington Monument completed, 1884

American Revolution

Whitemarsh skirmishes turn in Americans' favor, 1777

Automotive

Deaf stuntwoman Kitty O'Neil sets women's land-speed record, 1976

Civil War

The 13th Amendment is ratified, 1865

Cold War

Protests against Soviet treatment of Jews take place in Washington and Moscow, 1987

Crime

Train robbers reach the end of the line, 1868

Disaster

Ships explode in Canadian harbor, 1917

General Interest

The Monongah coal mine disaster, 1907

The Great Halifax Explosion, 1917

Irish Free State declared, 1921

Hollywood

Brokeback Mountain premieres, 2005

Literary

Ulysses is ruled not obscene, 1933

Music

The Altamont Festival brings the 1960s to a violent end, 1969

Old West

French-Canadian explorer La Verendrye dies, 1749

Presidential

Monument to Washington completed, 1884

Sports

Jerry Rice scores record-breaking touchdown, 1992

Vietnam War

Operation Farm Gate combat missions authorized, 1961

Fighting continues in South Vietnam while negotiators talk in Paris, 1972

World War I

Munitions ship explodes in Halifax, 1917

World War II

Roosevelt to Japanese emperor: "Prevent further death and destruction", 1941

**********************************************

 

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact me at papacase77@gmail.com