Ah, Seattle. The Emerald City. Home to Microsoft, rain, Starbucks, rain, the Mariners, rain, the Seahawks, rain, Pike Place Market, rain, Jimi Hendrix, rain, Boeing, rain, Nordstrom, rain, Pearl Jam, rain, Amazon.com, rain, Nirvana, rain, Bruce Lee, rain, Medic One, Sir Mix-a-Lot, rain, Adam West, rain, and me. And rain.
I love Seattle. I was born and raised there, and, although Los Angeles has been my home for the last 20 years, I’ll always be a Seattleite. See, there’s a reason Seattle is called “The Emerald City.” There’s a reason Washington is called “The Evergreen State.” There’s a reason everything is so green. When the weather is nice, there is no more beautiful place on Earth than the Pacific Northwest. Unfortunately, the State Flower in Seattle is MILDEW.
And rarely does it rain hard. It’s almost always a gray, drizzly mist that goes on for months and saps your enthusiasm for the place like a Dementor sucking out the soul of a non-ginger.
But Seattle will always be Home to me. My mom and sisters still live up there, and I visit as often as I can. Typically, the first day I arrive the weather is spectacular. A gorgeous, clear day where Mt. Rainier is crystal clear in the distance and the bluest skies you’ve ever seen are, and I always ask myself, “Why did I ever leave this Paradise?” Then, by the next day, it’s “Oh yeah. Now I remember…”
Anyway, on with the jokes...
This newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next morning and it's raining. It continues to pour for the rest of the week. Leaning out her apartment window she sees a little boy playing on the stood below and asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid looks up at her and calls back, "How should I know? I'm only six."
What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
What's the definition of a Seattle optimist?
A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.
What did the Seattle native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?"
"Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."
A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are Seattle-ites. I'm letting them dry out so they'll burn."
You Know You’re From Seattle When...
You know how to pronounce "Sequim", "Puyallup" and "Issaquah."
You design your Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
You know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture computer parts, airplanes or athletic shoes.
You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
You return from a California vacation depressed because “all the grass was dead.”
You take a half-day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.
You remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter weather event in the last five years.
You feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash instead of recycling it.
You get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes the term “sun breaks.”
You are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country calls “coffee.”
You have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner’s policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides, or if the number of your favorite roofing company is on your phone’s “speed-dial.”
You never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
You consider that if it doesn’t have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of elevation, it is a “hill” and not a “mountain.”
You complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one for twice what you paid for it.
You don’t complain about Californians because you’re secretly married to one or are dating one.
You personally know someone from Alaska.
You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye.
You believe people who use umbrellas are wimps or Californians, or both.
You design Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
You remember the Kingdome.
You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
You know immediately that the view outside Frasier’s window was fake.
You walk along Seattle streets with your head down, your hands stuffed deeply into your coat pockets, and you’re watching out for puddles, not people.