Tuesday, April 17, 2012

IRS and Tax Jokes

1. The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”

2. The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
3. A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
4. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? The jail walls.
5. What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
The taxidermist only takes the skin.
6. Why won’t sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional courtesy.
7. “How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?” asked the IRS auditor.
“Well,” the taxpayer answered, “while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, ‘I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I’ll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen’. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa.”
“How can you prove such an unbelievable story?”
“Well, you can see the villa, can’t you?”
8. For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
9. How do you know you’ve met a good tax accountant?
He has a loophole named after him.
10. A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
“Thank God,” returned the taxpayer. “I thought you were going to want cash.”
11. The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and so he coughed the coin out.
“I don’t know how to thank you, doc…”, his mother started.
“I’m not a doctor”, the man replied, “I’m from the IRS”.
Morning Pic Dump
(a tribute to dogs) 

Birthdays on April 17th

1961 - Boomer Esiason
1923 - Lindsay Anderson
1897 - Thornton Wilder
1885 - Isak Dinesen
1837 - J. P. Morgan

Todays Pic Dump

Blast from the Past


Todays Quote
Birthday Boy
Thorton wilder

A dramatist is one who believes that the pure event, an action involving human beings, is more arresting than any comment that can be made upon it.
Thornton Wilder

A play visibly represents pure existing.
Thornton Wilder

An incinerator is a writer's best friend.
Thornton Wilder

But there comes a moment in everybody's life when he must decide whether he'll live among the human beings or not - a fool among fools or a fool alone.
Thornton Wilder

Every good thing in the world stands on the razor-edge of danger.
Thornton Wilder

For what human ill does not dawn seem to be an alleviation?
Thornton Wilder

Hope, like faith, is nothing if it is not courageous; it is nothing if it is not ridiculous.
Thornton Wilder

I am convinced that, except in a few extraordinary cases, one form or another of an unhappy childhood is essential to the formation of exceptional gifts.
Thornton Wilder

I know that every good and excellent thing in the world stands moment by moment on the razor-edge of danger and must be fought for.
Thornton Wilder

I would love to be the poet laureate of Coney Island.
Thornton Wilder

If I wasn't an actor, I'd be a secret agent.
Thornton Wilder

In advertising, not to be different is virtual suicide.
Thornton Wilder

It is only in appearance that time is a river. It is rather a vast landscape and it is the eye of the beholder that moves.
Thornton Wilder

It is very necessary to have markers of beauty left in a world seemingly bent on making the most evil ugliness.
Thornton Wilder

Literature is the orchestration of platitudes.
Thornton Wilder

Love is an energy which exists of itself. It is its own value.
Thornton Wilder

Man is not an end but a beginning. We are at the beginning of the second week. We are children of the eighth day.
Thornton Wilder

Many plays - certainly mine - are like blank checks. The actors and directors put their own signatures on them.
Thornton Wilder

Many who have spent a lifetime in it can tell us less of love than the child that lost a dog yesterday.
Thornton Wilder

Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder.
Thornton Wilder

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