Monday, November 5, 2012

History Lesson

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foo coffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it. 


Morning Pic Dump


Birthdays on November 


Todays Funnies

 Blast from the Past


Afternoon Funnies


Today in history

Lead Story
George Foreman becomes oldest heavyweight champ, 1994
American Revolution
Washington condemns Guy Fawkes festivities, 1775
George Selden patents gas-powered car, 1895
Civil War
President Lincoln removes General McClellan, 1862
Cold War
Richard Nixon elected president, 1968
Army major kills 13 people in Fort Hood shooting spree, 2009
Philippines struggles with severe flooding, 1991
General Interest
Mughal victory assures Akbar's ascension, 1556
King James learns of gunpowder plot, 1605
Wilson wins landslide victory, 1912
An American Nobel Prize in Literature, 1930
Jewish extremist assassinated in New York, 1990
Writers strike stalls production of TV shows, movies, 2007
Willa Cather starts writing for the Nebraska State Journal, 1893
Samuel Barber's Adagio For Strings receives its world premiere on NBC radio, 1938
Old West
300 Santee Sioux sentenced to hang in Minnesota, 1862
George W. Bush marries Laura Welch in Midland, Texas, 1977
George Foreman becomes oldest heavyweight champ in history, 1994
Vietnam War
Nixon wins presidential election, 1968
U.S. combat deaths down, 1970
World War I
Battle of Tanga ends in defeat for British colonial troops, 1914
World War II
FDR re-elected president, 1940

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